Disclaimers: I don’t own Spike, Buffy, or any other characters in this fic! I’m just borrowing them because I’m an obsessed freak! They belong to FOX, UPN, Mutant Enemy, and the wonderfully talented Joss Wheedon whom I love and adore!

Ship: Buffy/Spike

Spoilers: Through “The Gift”.

Summary: This is what Spike felt when Buffy died in “The Gift” (Season 5 finale.)

Thanks: I want to thank my best friend Lauren for inspiring me and for making me a dedicated watcher of the show! My other friend Heather for actually wanting to read my stories! And of course the cast, crew, directors, etc. of BTVPS! Especially James Marsters because everybody knows I love/worship him!

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Oh God, that ‘urt.

If that son-of-a-bitch so much as touches the bit, I’ll kill ‘im.

Ow!

Defiantly some broken bones there.

Did anyone else get to her?

Ohh. It hurts to move my head.

Vision ‘s blurry too.

There’s the tower, I think.

There’s this blinding light just under it.

Someone’s up there.

Buffy?

Is that her?

What’s she doing? What’s wrong with the nibblet?

What the hell is going on?

What’s she…

Noooo!!!!!

Buffy!!!!

Noooo!!!!!

She’s fallen.

The energy from the portal killed her first,

made ‘er scream.

Made her body twist and convulse,

and then just; peace.

She fell then.

She’s broken.

She’s, she’s lifeless.

Dead.

It’s my fault.

Oh God.

Tears.

The tears, they won’t stop.

They just keep coming.

They keep falling.

She’s falling.

All I can do is watch.

Over, and over, and over.

Falling.

It’s my fault.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You bloody wanker!

Why did you let someone like Doc,

someone you coulda killed in an instant,

take away your whole life instantly?

You shoulda fought harder.

You shoulda been stronger.

Shoulda been smarter.

Shoulda saw it coming.

It’s your fault she’s dead!

It’s you’re fault!

Why didn’t you do something?

Why didn’t you jump into the portal?

Why wasn’t it you?

Why wasn’t it the whelp?

The witches?

The watcher even?

Why wasn’t it anyone but ‘er?

Why’d it have to be her?

I shoulda just stayed outta this fight.

Lotta good I did.

Why did I think I could change?

I’m evil.

What was I fighting for?

Christmas and puppies?

That’s what I woulda said a year ago.

Violence and hatred.

Something.

Anything to take away the heartbreak.

Look where it’s got me.

I’m right back where I started.

Why’d it have to be her?

Coulda been Angel or Darla.

Dru! I don’t care! Anyone but her.

Coulda been something’ evil.

Coulda fallen in and got what they deserved.

I coulda.

I would have!

Why did it have to be her?

Why did it have to have her blood?

They’ve all left now.

Only I remain.

They took ‘er with ‘em.

In a way, I’m happy.

Happy that I won’t ‘ave at see ‘er like that again.

But that also means that that was the last memory I’ll ever have of her.

The freshest picture in my head.

She’ll always be broken.

I ‘ll always be wrong.

Why did she trust me?

What on earth made her think that I was worthy of her trust?

I have done nothing but chase after her.

Why didn’t I just give up?

I never give up.

I never stop till every thing around me dies.

I’m always wrong.

I shoulda given up a long time ago.

Before I fell in love with her.

Before I fucked -up my unlife.

Before I was left with nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

What do I have?

Nothing.

I have my crypt, my coat, my weapons.

I have my comfy chair.

They mean nothing to me.

The only thing that I had was her.

She was everything.

Her and the nibblet.

Probably won’t ever see her again.

Soon as I got within 50 feet I’d be staked.

Why not?

I have nothing left to live for.

I failed.

My whole existence is just wrong.

My vision is still blurry and my consciousness is fading.

But I can still see.

I can still feel.

I’ve seen her.

And she was fallen.

And I’ve felt her.

She was cold.

I’ve seen her.

And she was broken.

I’ve felt her.

And she was dead.

I’ve seen her.

And she was fallen.

I’ve felt her.

And I was full of her pain.